At A Glance: Bob Howard is a computer-hacker desk jockey, who has more than enough trouble keeping up with the endless paperwork he has to do on a daily basis. He should never be called on to do anything remotely heroic. But for some reason, he is.

What the Goose? The good evil folks at the Secret Lair had decided in the last podcast¹ to add this book to the Secret Library.² Being a loyal minion friend and wanting to support these good evil folk, I decided to give this one a read.³

I’ll admit that I have had this book in my library for some time now.⁴ I tried reading it. Twice. But I found it a bit too dry for me. A bit too technical. So I put it down each time after only the first chapter and let it gather dust for awhile, thinking I’d get back to it eventually.

When the Overlords⁵ announced this was going to be discussed next, I decided to try again. And, thankfully, Audible even had it as an audiobook I could download. Woohoo! I can read any book⁶ during my 45 minute drive to and from work in Akron. I downloaded it to the ol’ iPod⁷ and away we go.

By the way, I’m not a fan of the Hard Sci-Fi genre. Don’t get me wrong, there are many stories of sci-fi that I enjoy immensely, including such authors as Isaac Asimov and Lois McMaster Bujold,⁸ just to name two. But Hard Sci-Fi just isn’t in my bailiwick of what I like to read.

The Atrocity Archives consists of two long, related novellas, The Atrocity Archives and The Concrete Jungle. And in both we follow along in the footsteps of Bob Howard, a computer hacker/techie who works for the Laundry, which in turn is your basic British black ops unit that defends the world from occult happenings, including anything we would consider found within the Cthulhu mythos.

Yes, folks. Sounds like it should be a blend of 007 and Cthulhu, right? I was expecting a mash-up of Ian Fleming and H. P. Lovecraft, complete with action, adventure, gadgets, fast women, and fast cars mixed in with tentacle-wearing horrors, mind-wracking monstrosities, or evil-mad cultists. What I read was closer to a technical text-book on how Alan Turing, the father of modern computer science, completed his theorem on “Phase Conjugate Grammars for Extra-dimensional Summoning” and made it possible to summon demons and cast spells using computers and palm pilots.⁹

I had a hard time finishing the book. When Howard started on a monologue¹⁰ on how things worked or where things came from, my mind wandered greatly. The story was very interesting, in and of itself, especially when it included demon possession, dimension hopping, damsels in distress, dead planets, zombie guards, and gorgon-wielding bureaucrats. But the blandness and frequency of the paperwork descriptions and complaints or the technical mumbo-jumbo just lost me. There were times when I’d start the book up for the drive, and I’d have to listen for a few minutes, skimming back and forth,¹¹ trying to figure out if I had somehow skipped a chapter. Other times, I’d leave the book for a day to listen to a gaming-related podcast or even just the radio.

Yes, I found it very bland, indeed.

I’ve not read anything else by Mr. Stross. If I have to base the likelihood of my reading him again based on this book alone, the chances are very slim that I’d pick up another Stross story. If his other books are written similarly to this, then I can say now that I’m not going to be a Charles Stross fan. My apologies, sir.

I do want to be sure to give two thumbs up to the narrator of this version, Gideon Emery. He did a fantastic job. The character voices were all distinctive, and I think he read this book the way it was meant to be read.¹²

As for recommendations, I’d say anyone who really enjoys Hard Sci-Fi mixed with Cthulhu and sprinkled profusely with dry procedural nonsense would greatly enjoy this book.

Suck-o-meter: This book Kinda Sucked.

1. The last one I listened to at the time of writing this, anyway. There could be more out. I still don’t know the schedule they’re using.
2. Though, it’s not really all that secret.
3. Despite the fact that the previous novels selected have held either little interest for me or were very poor choices in general.
4. In the form of the anthology On Her Majesty’s Occult Service, which consists of two main books, The Atrocity Archives and The Jennifer Morgue.
5. Kris and Chris, for those who don’t know them, on the Secret Lair.
6. Or so I thought.
7. I really need to find a good name for my iPod Touch. Something goose-related.
8. Spaceships and robots make it sci-fi to me. Please don’t yell.
9. Yeah, seriously. The protagonist does it many times throughout the book.
10. These could be either internal or external. Sometimes, I couldn’t tell the difference.
11. Not while I was driving. Thanks.
12. Unfortunately, perhaps, that way is very dry and English, for lack of a better description.

Published by DAW (January 6, 2009)

ISBN-10: 0756405327
ISBN-13: 978-0756405328

At A Glance: What would happen if an author went back to the darker themes of the original fairy tales for his plots, and then crossed the Disney princesses with Charlie’s Angels? What’s delivered is The Stepsister Scheme—a whole new take on what happened to Cinderella and her prince after the wedding. And with Jim C. Hines penning the tale readers can bet it won’t be “and they lived happily ever after.”

What The Goose?: Let me start with this: I can’t wait to read the next book¹ in the series! This is the first yarn I’ve read by writer Jim Hines² . And if the rest of his books read anything like this, I’m going to be getting my hands on everything I can.

Now, as the synopsis says, mix Disney princesses with Charlie’s Angels³ . Now, you may perhaps be wondering which of the princesses, aside from Cinderella (Danielle), makes this titanic trio. First, we have Snow White, (Ermilina, though she preferes Snow.) She’s a master of mirror magic and flirting. And then, to round out the trio, we have Sleeping Beauty (Talia, don’t call her Sleeping Beauty). She doesn’t sleep anymore, and with her fairy gifts of beauty, grace and wit, she’s become an excellent assassin. Yes, you read that right.

Hines does a great job turning all these stories on their ears, adding a twist, and shaking well. I’d give examples, but I really don’t want to ruin your reading pleasure. But, wait until you see Snow White’s Seven Dwarves.

This is also very much a good-vs-evil type of story, so if you enjoy those, you’ll enjoy this.

Suck-O-Meter: This book Really Didn’t Suck.

1. Book 2, The Mermaid’s Madness is already out in your local bookstore and, probably, library. I’ll be grabbing mine, soon!
2. Thank you, @KJToo, for the loan
3. A reviewer on Goodreads suggested a mash-up of the Brothers Grimm and the Powerpuff Girls

Published by Bantam, Feb 1997

ISBN-10: 0553561952
ISBN-13: 978-0553561951

At A Glance: A dying man presents himself at Indy’s office and gives him a mysterious box, which is found to contain some Icelandic spar–the mythological sunstone–and the last pages of the man’s journal. They detail an amazing journey to Ultima Thule–the top of the world. From here, the stone will lead Indy on a perilous trek into the depths of the earth itself.

What The Goose?: This was the first Indiana Jones-based book that I’ve ever read. And, perhaps, I think it suffered for that reason. I have a small stack of Indy books that I purchased as a bundle many months back, and no where in the stack could I find that there was any particular chronological order to them. So, I picked one that fit with the pulp themes that have been running around in my head. Thus, the Hollow Earth jumped out at me, not the least reason being that I have a copy of the Hollowed Earth Expedition RPG, but I digress.

Now, as for characters, it was a lot of fun. Of course, there was Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones, Jr., himself with fedora on his head and whip in hand. The scientist in question is one Evelyn Briggs Baldwin, and yes, this is a guy. An old geezer, actually, who is based on a real-life person I find out later. He doesn’t last long in the book. Then there’s Ulla Tornaes, a “brilliant and beautiful Danish scientist” who can, quite literally, kick Indiana’s ass if so inclined. And, while this would have been the obvious love-in-the-sack-”ah Venice”-kind-of-girl normally, were we watching this as a movie, Indy and Ulla don’t actually hook up, though Ulla wouldn’t have minded. Next, we meet Sparks a 17-year-old radio technician/genius. He offers very little in the way of comic relief, though there is some. Definitely not to be compared to one Short Round.

The story itself was interesting in some places and rather bewildering in others, at least to me. Dr. Baldwin shows up on Indy’s doorstep, apparently being pursued by our favorite baddies, the Nazis. He chats at length with Indy about Hollow Earth stuff, gives him a box, tells him to guard it with his life and let no one know its contents, then runs off to die. Not bad as far as plot hooks go. But after this, the story gets, well, funky. Indy finds Dr. Baldwin’s daughter, talks with her about stuff, then gets hauled into the government somehow, because they want him to keep track of some Nazis on a zeppelin who happen to have his love interest from, I dare guess buy don’t know, a previous book.

Turns out he’s not with said love interest because he took a Crystal Skull (no, not the movie version, this book was written in 1997 after all) from someplace, and there was a curse on it. So he broke it off with said woman. Now he wants to find the Skull and return it so, hopefully, he can settle down with his heart’s love. And this is where it got really weird, because he insists on going after this Skull on his way to the supposed entrance to the Hollow Earth.

Anyway, the actual time that Indy and Ulla and Sparks spend in the Hollow Earth is about, well, 10 seconds, give or take. No, seriously. And that was near the end of the book. It was really quite the let down, personally.

This book seemed to be a stepping stone for a larger story-line, but I didn’t know that. Sorry, Bantam, but it’d be helpful if you could let me know what order books should be read in, if possible.

Suck-O-Meter: This book Didn’t Suck… unless there isn’t a book I’m missing, in which case… yeah, It Sucked.

Narrated by Kate Reading

Published by Penguin Audiobooks

At A Glance: In the realm of Alera, where people bond with the furies – elementals of earth, air, fire, water, and metal – 15-year-old Tavi struggles with his lack of furycrafting. But when his homeland erupts in chaos – when rebels war with loyalists and furies clash with furies – Tavi’s simple courage will turn the tides of war.

What the Goose? It’s very interesting to go back and listen to an audiobook version of a novel you’ve already read. I had read Furies of Calderon a few years ago, when I first discovered Jim Butcher and the Dresden files and was curious about his fantasy series. I wasn’t disappointed then, and I’m not now with this go ’round.

If you’ve listened (do people still say ‘read’ for an audiobook?) to the audiobook versions of Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series, then you’re familiar with Kate Reading and her work, along with Michael Kramer, in that audio-omnibus. She has also narrated such novels as Stephanie Meyer’s The Host and Wendy Orr’s Nim’s Island. Actually, the list of books where you can listen to her voice is vast, and with very, very good reason. Kate is very good at her job, lending tension where needed, changing the timber and accent of her voice so that you can easily identify characters by how she reads them, and keeping the pacing of the book consistent.

And, as for the book itself, anyone who enjoys a good fantasy novel won’t be disappointed with this. I love the idea of the elemental furies, and the story-crafting abilities of the author are definitely shining strongly with this novel, as always. And the great thing, in my opinion, is that it’s very different from Dresden. The voice is different, at least to me, as are many of the situations. Yes, there are some similarities, but they are told and done in such a different way that at first, I didn’t notice them.

A great book, and a great audiobook. Pick it up.

Suck-O-Meter: The book itself Doesn’t Come Close to Sucking, and the audiobook Really, Really Didn’t Suck.

Published by Tor Books, it was released on August 15, 1994 in hardcover and in paperback on July 15, 1997.

At A Glance: In the aftermath of the brutal murder of his father, a mysterious woman, Kahlan Amnell, appears in Richard Cypher’s forest sanctuary seeking help… and more. His world, his very beliefs, are shattered when ancient debts come due with thundering violence.

In a dark age it takes courage to live, and more than mere courage to challenge those who hold dominion, Richard and Kahlan must take up that challenge or become the next victims. Beyond awaits a bewitching land where even the best of their hearts could betray them. Yet, Richard fears nothing so much as what secrets his sword might reveal about his own soul. Falling in love would destroy them – for reasons Richard can’t imagine and Kahlan dare not say.

In their darkest hour, hunted relentlessly, tormented by treachery and loss, Kahlan calls upon Richard to reach beyond his sword – to invoke within himself something more noble. Neither knows that the rules of battle have just changed… or that their time has run out.

This is the beginning. One book. One Rule. Witness the birth of a legend.

What The Goose?: About 9 years ago, I read my first Terry Goodkind “Sword of Truth” novel, and it wasn’t this one. It was actually Faith of the Fallen (Sword of Truth, Book 6).Why? I had a weekly commute of 4-5 hours, and I enjoyed audiobooks. This was the only one I could find at the time, so I decided to snag it. Though much of the story went over my head, it was still enjoyable enough that I had wanted to read the first book for quite some time. And finally, I found the time.

And I wasn’t disappointed.

This was Goodkind’s first novel, and I have to admit to being very impressed with it. The writing was solid and never bored me. I always knew where I was and who was talking. All the characters seemed very real to me, rich in depth, meaning and feeling, with real motivation.

The only bone I could find to really pick at was near the beginning, when Richard first encounters, and falls in love with, Kahlan. Perhaps it was just too late at night for me to be reading, but that was the only part where it seemed contrived. From there on, I enjoyed it. But the immediate love just didn’t do it for me right away. Of course, it could very well be that I just wasn’t getting into Richard’s head yet, either.

This was a solid, enjoyable read that I think anyone who enjoys fantasy should pick up. Yes, this is the first book in a long, long series, but at the same time, it was a book or story all neatly told in one sitting. Hooks have been offered for the sequels, but I don’t feel the reaction of having to grab the next book just to know what happens next.

Thank you, Mr. Goodkind, for opening this world up to the rest of us.

My verdict? This book Really Doesn’t Suck!

Mean Streets by Jim Butcher, Kat Richardson, Simon R. Green, Thomas E. Sniegoski

Published: Roc Trade (January 6, 2009)

At A Glance: From four of today’s hottest fantasy authors—all-new novellas of dark nights, cruel cities, and paranormal P.I.s.

The best paranormal private investigators have been brought together in a single volume—and cases don’t come any harder than this.

New York Times bestselling author Jim Butcher delivers a hard-boiled tale in which Harry Dresden’s latest case may be his last.

Nightside dweller John Taylor is hired by a woman to find something she lost—her memory—in a thrilling noir tale from New York Times bestselling author Simon R. Green.

National bestselling author Kat Richardson’s Greywalker finds herself in too deep when a “simple job” goes bad and Harper Blaine is enmeshed in a tangle of dark secrets and revenge from beyond the grave.

For centuries, the being that we know as Noah lived among us. Now he is dead, and fallen-angel-turned-detective Remy Chandler has been hired to find out who killed him in a whodunit by national bestselling author Thomas E. Sniegoski.

What the Goose? I’m very happy this book came out when it did, ’cause I’ve been jonesing for some Harry Dresden action. It’s no secret to those who know me that I’m a crazy fan of the Dresden Files. Jim Butcher has definitely burst on the scene with this character and series, not to mention his fantasy series, The Codex Alera, as well. A master storyteller is he, yes. There’s just something about his manner of writing that immediately draws me in and holds me until the end, and then I want more. I’ve read all the Dresden and Alera books and can’t wait for the release of the next one.

And this story definitely filled the craving for a little bit. It’s all good as Harry fears for his good friend Michael. Yes, that Michael. The one with the really big sword. Only now, he’s retired (if you’ve read the last book, Small Favors, you’d know why). So now Harry is the keeper of two Swords of the Cross, and someone’s out to get them, and possibly hurt Michael and family in the process.

The other three stories were actually very good, in that I’ve been curious about these authors but haven’t wanted to invest the time and/or money in their books yet. Too many other things to read. But these short stories let me have a sampling of some very good authors. I’m definitely picking up Kat Richardson’s first book, Greywalker. And I think I may already have a Simon R. Green book in my library from a run to Half-Price Books. Looking forward to reading that one soon.

Now, Thomas Sniegoski. I have some mixed feelings, and it’s not because of his writing style. His main character is a fallen-angel-turned-private-investigator. Yes, that’s interesting. But it diverges so much from my own system of beliefs that it’s hard to separate the two and enjoy the story. In this one, for instance, Noah (yes, that Noah) has been murdered. Apparently his association with God during the whole Ark building gave him some kick-ass longevity. That doesn’t bug me much. It’s the part where he’s obsessing over those things that he wasn’t able to save. And I’m not talking about humanity. No, he’s concerned about those Chimerians. God’s first creations. Which He grew bored with and decided to save humanity instead. Interesting premise, but it’s just… I dunno. I did enjoy it, and I AM going to read Sniegoski’s first book about Remiel (the angel private eye). I’m just not sure if I’ll be able to enjoy it or not at this point.

All in all, Mean Streets is a quick and worthwhile read. Definitely not a disappointment. On the Suck-o-Meter, this book Most Definitely Did Not Suck.

Published: September 1, 2007 by Dark Quest, LLC

At A Glance: A Storm is Brewing… On the eve of the Festival of the Long Night, a raucous holiday which commemorates the onset of the Demon Scourge, a mysterious ship has entered Crown, captained by an enigmatic elf in the service of the dreaded Ice Skull League. On board is a mysterious and evil relic that could bring ruin and despair to the proud city and forbidden power to the inscrutable Grey God. Beneath the waves, a stalwart alônn druid has begun a crusade to banish the relic, while in the city’s slums, a cunning elven assassin has been hired to kill the captain in cold blood. As the storm approaches, a celebrated dwarven gladiator is manipulated to kill for blood and the Grey God’s glory as a colossal oltreggan barbarian has been set free from prison and placed on a path with destiny. All the while, an etherean who serves as the Queen’s Intelligencer frantically pulls together the pieces, trying to discover the identity of the half-demon who is behind it all. In a race against time, the unlikely heroes come together in clash that could mean the end for them all. When the storm hits, will Crown survive?

What the Goose? While reading Skein of Shadows, I was forcibly reminded of Dragons of Autumn Twilight, by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman. The style of writing and changing viewpoints were very similar to that Dragonlance novel. Now, that’s to be expected, as this book is a collection of stories written by a variety of folks, each of the Wandering Men, in fact. But when that viewpoint changed within the story, it seemed a bit much. Now, I will make allowances as this is their first published work, that I know of at least. I hope to see more from them. But I also hope to see improvements in their writing style.

Please don’t get me wrong, the story itself has promise. There’s enough of something “new” in this book to make me want a bit more. The Men have the intention of turning this book into an RPG setting, which I think is a great idea. Yes, it has your basic tropes of elves, dwarves, assassins, and even dragons. But it’s got a few new things with Ethereans, Alônn, and Oltreggans that would make for a fairly unique setting.

But the book itself seemed incomplete, like this is the first part of a longer book. Each story ends with the destruction of an evil artifact and the ship that carried it well enough (from the viewpoint of the main character of that particular story), but there wasn’t enough of a climax to end them completely for me. I’m wanting a bit more.

So, let’s see more! I’ll read it. But give me some improvements and refinements in the craft as well, please.

Published: May 1, 2005 by Tor Books

At A Glance: Welcome to Gil’s All Night Diner, where zombie attacks are a regular occurrence and you never know what might be lurking in the freezer…

Duke and Earl are just passing through when they stop at Gil’s for a quick bite to eat. They aren’t planning to stick around – until Loretta, the eatery’s owner, offers them one hundred dollars to take care of her zombie problem. Given that Duke is a werewolf and Earl’s a vampire, this should be easy money.

But the shambling dead are just the tip of the iceberg. Seems someone’s out to drive Loretta from the diner and is more than willing to raise a little hell on earth if that’s what it takes. Duke and Earl suddenly find themselves facing such otherworldly complications as undead cattle, an amorous ghost, a jail bait sorceress, and the terrifying occult power of pig Latin.

And maybe – just maybe – the end of he world, too.

What the Goose? This is Martinez’s debut novel, and as a story, it’s got some promise. I admit I liked the ideas of zombie cows, and there’s a Magic Eight Ball that made me laugh out loud when I first came across it. And that Eight Ball has a lot more to do in the story than at first glance would reveal. Duke and Earl are fun, as I’d never imagined redneck werewolves or wimpy vampires.

What really surprised me the most, and this isn’t a good surprise, was the inside front cover. Why? This is where the publisher decided to put the fact that this book was awarded Best Book for Young Adults by the American Library Assocation. This despite the fact that there’s extensive profanity from page one (yes, page one) and quite a bit of teenage promiscuity. Thankfully, there weren’t any detailed sex scenes.

But, come on! The profanity alone is going to keep me from ever reading another A. Lee Martinez book. And when you add in the jail bait sorceress using sex as a means of controlling her dimwitted minion or lusting after the overweight werewolf just because he had morals and knew better… It was just a bit much for me. Much less recommend it to anyone under the age of 18! This just shows me how little you can trust awards, or the Library Association.

Sorry, A. Lee. Interesting premise, decent story-telling, but… I just can’t swallow it.

Oh, and the dedication. Sorry, while he probably meant it as a joke, it comes off as rather arrogant to dedicate the book to himself: To Me, because I wrote it. Well, good for you, Lee. Good for you. Please excuse me while I find my Dresden Files.

That’s my $0.02.